FUCK

last night, I was minutes away from emailing someone who I shouldn't. I'm glad I didn't

Everything is going well. Family is good. I found the courage to call my dad on his birthday. I talk to Leiland every other day. Work is good. School starts in 2 weeks. And I'm bored of my fucking life.

A little more than a month ago, I met Gabi. She inspired me in ways that no other has. She also brought out insecurities about myself that made me realize that I'm not quite the person that I think I am. But it was that quality about her that inspired me to make changes in my life.

Unfortunately, what it actually did was make me realize how bipolar I am... how the Libra in me, or the balanced peacemaker has most of the spotlight, until the Scorpio, or the scary intense side latches onto something or someone emotionally and scares the bejesus out of everyone, including the Libra.

So recently, I got emotionally attached and the Scorpio finally decided to come out and play. The tug-o-war of emotions drove me nuts during the first few weeks. It fucked up my daily routine. It forced upon me longer trains of thought, frequent midnight walks, and the favorite 3 hour conversations until all hours of the night. Emotions suck. A sign of weakness. But I live my life by it, so fuck all of you.

But now I've found myself giving up on the hope of a future with her. I was quick to believe in the relationship. She was not. And if I can't give it my all, then I'm not giving any of it. All or nothing. So now I've found myself here... mourning. over nothing. My body is still choosing to react to the loss.

Yes, Ang was right. I thirst for chaos. I need some kinda of drama, or issues, or problems to fix. I need conflict. I need my life to be fucked up in some sort of aspect. Otherwise, I'm stuck in this boring ass room, bullshitting with some dude who I met 20 seconds ago over printer settings and 3-hole punched paper. Fuck this.