where does the time go. its been more than a month since the last post. already.

I came from a pre-employment screening that took two hours longer than it needed to. that could have gone faster. i realized something in that waiting room though: my two major injuries are both baseball related. i guess i couldnt have gone to a baseball school without incurring baseball injuries myself.

ticketed twice in the same area of mb. i guess they're cracking down on the boondockers since you dont see as many around anymore.

im down to workout weight without having done any routine training since March. two reasons for that, i suspect: eating at home during the week. and one meal in the evenings a day. with the occasional bag of doritos and chai latte in the mornings.

made the decision to move back into mm with the three amigos. it will be socially different, which may be what im looking for. but it will give me space to work on the van, develop a workout routine and hopefully open my schedule. for projects.

cruz fam packed up and fled nv. after seeing pics of the new property, it makes me want to move. but that will be three days on the road. minimum.

still dont know what im doing for bday weekend next weekend. still considering yellowstone or yosemite at least. i do have four days to enjoy it.

lately, ive been bouncing ideas back and forth on how i should build out the van and ive come up with something: solar panel awning. four panel layout, but stacked two by two when it's stored. flex bottom two to lighten the load. id have to engineer a sliding system and articulating arms.

passed on a call back for a cook position. i realized that it may have been an experience I've already sought out and no longer have interest, unless its vonwulfs truck. or chef needed a sushi guy again.

everything i used to be so invested in, its hard for me to get back in to. the mbti/astro survey post is still floating around and people are still submitting their info. i dont even have a way of responding to these people. but dont even know if i have the energy or interest to spend on mb. the astro aspect of it still keeps the idea a possibility.

i shot a wedding a few weeks ago. first for gs since last year, and even then, it was a last min cancel from the videog. photog was saying all but 3 of her bookings backed out for 2020 bc of the pandemic. so it was interesting to even be at a wedding venue during this time. they didn't even host a reception. shortest wedding I've ever shot.

survived seventh house season without longing. but observed something about that energy. its pairing in its nature but not necessarily commitment pairing. like its a season of chemistry sampling. sharing energy with the person you sat next to on the bus. someone who shared a joke in line at smart and final. and seeing how it affects one another. despite my social anxiety, i felt welcoming of others whereas most days, i just would rather not. even. get. close.

if i end up occupying my evenings with this other position, i wont be able to travel as i want, unless its on weekends. including long bday weekend. they want to start ppl asap, but maybe ill ask for a nov start.

so to summarize, by dec, everything will be new and different.

updates

What happened between March 2015 and September 2020? The time from this last post to the second to last?

So I took a hiatus during the one year anniversary of the MBTI blog. 2015 was also the year the blog was banned after Tumblr updated their community guidelines. That was a depressing year tbh. And for a good long time, I didn't think my depression was justified. I mean, I was depressed because my blog was unfairly shut down and I was completely cutoff from the community I built. But after seeing someone else close to me suffer the same fate and go through the same motions, granted it was five years after this, I started feeling better about my initial reaction (not to downplay how difficult their transition was). But that was also the year of Soma, so maybe it wasn't as bad as I remember. That was also the year my community introduced me to philosophy of The Last Airbender and why I'm so much Zuko, minus firebending, unless you give me a lighter or something.

2016 was the one year I'd try out the restaurant industry. Just one single year out of my entire life, devoted to cutting sushi, checking freezer temps and bandaging bloody fingers. But also the year I connected with owners of like 8 bars, restaurants and clubs in downtown, to the point of feeling like a semi-celebrity for being recognized downtown and having VIP access to practically any club we walked in to. But the major driving theme of 2016 was Caraday, who literally left a mark on my soul so deep, the update for 2016 may need a post of it's own.

2017 was my re-entry point back into the world of admin in accounting. It was basically the year I was able to pick myself back up and start running strides again. And speaking of running, it was also the year I took up long distance running. Fall of 2017, I was introduced to the new workplace as the running guy and the Reputation album unintentionally attached itself to workwife and Ana ana bobana.

2018 was the year of Sahara, desert camping and national parks discovery. Alex Honnold, Tommy Caldwell, Cheryl Strayed, Ken Ilgunas and Chris McCandless were major inspirations that year. I did a LOT of reading that year.

2019 was a fun fucking mess, with June being the best month. I forget what transits were happening specifically, but they were potent enough to knock a number of people that I know personally out of a job (including myself) and a number of couples into divorce court. But it was also a good catalyst to reconnect with NickVon, who unluckily was served a shitty piece of each. I got lucky by the end of 2019, but not before playing the role of newspaper delivery boy and Uber driver to make ends meat.

And then 2020. Running off the residual luck from 2019, I made it a whole three months before the entire world was flipped on it's head. Other than Covid, this year was significant mostly because of the lack of belief in the role I play on a daily basis. I never thought in a million years that this 1070 SAT scorer who struggled so much with his english classes in high school that I had to take three of them my senior year just to walk would land a position where not only do I love my coworkers, but that my work doesn't feel like work. Though, I guess I had that at the previous firm too, but with drama, this one makes me feel like I just got a really lucky roll of the dice. And of course, Bitsy.

What does the rest of 2020 have in store for us? Well, we're entering my fave season, which means holidays and travel, it means seventh house season and connection, and I guess it will also mean a turning of a new leaf, depending on how long I run with these new habits. But not before I finish up my solar panel roof mount and extended battery life for the fridge, but who knows. I've been reminscing back to 2018 a lot lately, eager to travel and get out into the wild again. But we'll see.

2021 is queueing up so interesting events so far, including the marriage of NickVon and Leiland's first camping trip. But before I look too far forward, let's get through the rest of this virus first.

2020 so far

lets start this update with mars in retrograde.

I fortunately had the pleasure of having someone remind me that we're in a major retrograde season, and it's not just mars. look up today's transits and you'll see what I mean. But the focus of this post is not on the long-term retrogrades, but mars.

What does Mars in retrograde mean exactly?

Well, lets start with what Mars is like when it's stationed direct. Typical mars energies push us to take action, the sign it resides in show us what that action looks like, and the house tells us how.

The best example is social media. Some who has their Mars stationed in Aquarius, Jena Malone for example (because I recently rewatched Donnie Darko and have re-infatuated myself with her) is a double scorpio with Mars in Aquarius. Scorpios are typically secretive and intense, so a lack of social media posts is common. Yet, with Mars in Aquarius, it adds the uniqueness of Aquarius' energy, to the point where he posts are clearly the work of an artistic soul meant to inspire others. Mars in Gemini (Aquarius' air sign cousin) is ruled by Mercury the communicator, so naturally their posts would be filled with inspiring thoughts, quotes and words (a great example of a Mars in Gemini is MLK).

But what happens when someone takes away your ability to act? Let's say that on August 28, 1963 (the day of MLK's infamous speech) Mars happened to be retrograding. Would his speech have ever happened? Would his words have inspired and moved the mass amount of people who heard his great words?

We don't actually know since we don't have access to multiverses or alternate realities (that we know of). However, what we do know is that Mars in retrograde has a very disabling feature about it's energy that doesn't allow you to take the action you want or need to. Imagine where that movement would even be had his words not resonated across the nation when it did.

But what exactly are you getting at?

The reason why this retrograde period even grabbed my attention (tho it's only been a few hours since learning about it), I'm reminded of the things that have recently changed in my life that have been completely out of my control. I had no choice but to break some old habits, simply out of necessity. I didn't choose to take the path I'm on now, not that I regret any of it, but had I had the option, I probably wouldn't be on the road I am now.

I blame the retrograde(s).

Now, people usually attribute retrograde periods as being a negative energy period that either needs to be avoided or approached with caution. "Don't make any major life decisions during retrograde." "Don't be hasty with your actions." "Take your time making decisions or you may regret the results"

Okay, maybe I made some or all of those up. But anytime I talk retrograde with someone, fear seems to strike. But would it change anything if I told you that you had no choice? Like, anything you perceive as negative happening during this phase, what if I told you that they were supposed to happen?

Look at rollercoasters. What's the most thrilling part? We all know its the impatient 45-minute wait in line listening to the thrilling screams of others enjoying the ride. Or is it the climb to the highest peak of the ride? Or is it the drop?

We don't enjoy rollercosters because they're flat. We don't enjoy them because they climb endlessly and never drop. We look for the drop. We anticipate the fear, yet simultaneously yearn for it. Enjoying that gorgeous top down view of the top of everyone's heads before plunging down at 60mph is the moment the thrill begins, that serene peaceful moment when that annoying clicking stops and it's nothing but the sound of birds chirping and clouds in your face.

Then the rush. The reason you drove 4 hours away from home, the reason you chose to spend 75% of your day standing line just to ride 6 rides, this is everything it amounts to.

Retrograde periods are thrilling because the momentum and direction has changed, and you have no control over it. So many want to fight it and insist that continuing the climb into the clouds is how they want to live their entire lives. But we all know someone who's head is in the clouds and won't seem to come down.

Maybe some of us are better off not knowing when the drop is about to happen. Should I close my eyes when the car reaches the highest point of the ride? Will it make the drop less intense?

I guess it's not fair for me to cast judgement. I mean, I am 8th house/scorpio dom, change is in my blood, as well as intensity and choas. I live for this stuff.

But I guess that's my point: embrace the change. Because you don't get a say it in.

Back in March of this year (pre-covid lockdown), I was reading the chart of one of my coworkers who simply wanted to know compatibility with someone they were dating. Of course I took it upon myself to decipher both charts, only to realize that while they had average compatibility, the most striking thing I found was not in their personal charts, but in the transiting chart at the time.

I remember telling her, "it's not you two personally that's gonna keep you two apart, it's something else. It's something bigger than both of you." She had no idea what that meant, yet neither did I, as our major concerns at the time were things like how much excessive money was being dumped in someone's political campaign and the loss of an all-time great NBA player.

At the time, I had something great going. A routine that allowed time for social and solo interaction, it allowed time to work, meditate, read, workout and socialize. It was nearly perfect and wouldn't have changed any part of it.

Then covid.

Then change.

Then routine gone.

It was especially jarring because I was dependent on every step of that routine to work entirely, otherwise, none of it would work.

**Six months later (with the Spongebob background)**

My work schedule and routine has changed. My living situation has changed. My habits and workout routine have changed. In fact, everything has changed except the name on my social security card, but even then there was something I had to dispute a couple months ago because of some fraudulent activity, so even that has changed somewhat.

Has it been difficult? Of course, but that's not the point. There's no such thing as a non-thrilling rollercoaster, no matter how many disney matterhorn memes you've seen. you know what I mean. (I tried looking it up but couldn't find a single photo, so maybe I made it all up in my head)

Now, if you're the type to need to close your eyes for every ride, then who am I to tell you not to. But know that the retrograde period doesn't go away by sheer will or squeezing those eyelids shut so tightly, tears come out. There's something to learn and evolve from during this transition. There are certain things we'll never be able to go back to, like the moment right before the drop (unless you get on the ride again). But eventually, the ride ends and you find yourself looking back to how you were just in line waiting, how you were just at the top fearing you'll poop your pants, and how quickly the ride went by. Now, all your left with is the embarrassing photo that you have to pay 35$, only to never frame or put it up on any wall in any house ever and the thrill you just overcame from braving one of the biggest rollercoasters you've ever been on (for me, that would be Goliath at Six Flags Magic Mountain. That's 12 story drop, 255 feet, and at tops out at something like 85 mph. The drop is so high, when you typically expect to flatten out, you're still dropping into a hole in the ground.)

Anyways, there was no intention talking rollercoasters and mars in retrograde, but boom there you go.

I realize it's been a while (five years-a-while) but since everything has changed, it could potentially mean the revival of something? Now that certain habits no longer inhibit my ability to dream? Updates may or may not happen over a period of time, so we'll just consider this the re-beginning. for now.

hiatus

next week will be the one month hiatus mark celebrating the year anniversary of the blog.

I dont even know if I'm coming back to blogging or not.  I mean, 8 posts/day, 3 pages to manage, and about 4800 unanswered asks... some serious time and dedication would be needed to keep this boat afloat.

But I still feel an obligation to return to the community that I started.  Maybe a few stats will help:

(as of 3/13/15)
total tumblr followers:  29,930
snapchat community members:  197
kik community members:  683
number of kik groups:  18
total number of mods/admins:  23

The numbers arent as big as I thought actually.  But I still feel guilty for having turned my back on them.  And lets not forget the relationships that have been formed bc of it, the meeting of these great minds, the exchange of ideas, the help being offered, or simply a place that people use to escape:  it's something that hasn't been created on tumblr before and something that I can't just up and leave.

My vedic states that age 32-33 is when I figure out my purpose in life.  Surprisingly, that's when this blog was created.

It's sole purpose was to share information about mbti that was lacking in the tumblr community, as well as online, and to mirror a style similar to some of the bigger astrology blogs.  It was easy really.  I saw a gap in information, and I filled it.

It eventually drew a crowd of people who were not only looking to learn more about mbti, but more about themselves, their family members, the people they interact on a day to day basis to find deeper understanding behind the purpose of their actions, their behavior, their lives.

So it makes sense that it turned into a community of people who sought advice, and wanted to help others in return.

When the snapchat community formed during thanksgiving break, I wasn't expecting so many people to respond to it.  I mean, thats a very specific group of people who are willing to share their lives with complete strangers who's only mutual interests are mbti and tumblr.  But 200 requests later, and I still continue to watch the lives of people around the world, as narrated through their phone.

The kik community is what made the interaction real though.  It gave us a platform, though limited to 50 per group, to communicate real time with one another.  It's no surprise why it became so popular and why I needed help to manage those groups.

When the mod group was created, it was the first time I depended on others to help manage the community and I learned something very important in doing that:  people will follow if you lead them.

I've never experienced hands on what its like to be looked up to.  I've always sort of known about it with my siblings and younger friends, but when I approached some of these mods, they looked to me as their mentor, their guru, their leader and were more than excited to be a part of it.  Some were so intimidated that they didn't feel responsible enough to accept the role.

That freaked the fuck out of me.  Because I'm not a leader.  This isn't even a real thing. It's tumblr.  And i'm just a builder, creating structures that others can depend on to be sturdy and solid where they can find comfort and solace.  And my intent was to find others who can help run the house.

But thats exactly what some of these people are looking for.  The mod group helped me fine tune those leadership skills, and helped remind me of how lacking I am with those skills, but allowed me the chance to imbue greatness and trust in others.  Apparently, promoting some of these people to moderate a group, even on social media, meant everything to them.

7 more groups were created on kik, over another few months and an additional two to three dozen or so mbti blogs were created on tumblr.

And in the center of it all is the page that started it all: myersandbriggs.  and the page owner who's gone missing.  but where is he?  oh, he's off hiding somewhere bc he's too scared to lead such a large group of people.

daddy issues is my excuse.  the whole fear of letting people down, never being able to find approval with my parents, and never knowing whether I've accomplished something great or not.  I'm terrified of leading these great minds into an abyss or something.

Yet, the best part is that these kids, and lots of adults apparently are on a similar path.  They do struggle with their home lives, with how parents raise them, with school struggles, with society struggles... and I very much relate to that.

I think the reason why I've been able to form such a bond with this community is because I am part of it.  I'm also seeking understanding in human nature through personality assessment.  I'm also seeking help in my daily struggles, and also feel the need for approval from others.

If running this blog has taught me anything, it's that we need each other.  You can't achieve greatness alone, and even if you do, how great can it possibly be if you're there by yourself?

This hiatus is my chance to reassess my purpose, solidify my own ground, and to imbue that back into the mbti community.  It's success is dependent on strong leadership, and people are waiting to be led.  The mod group, my board of directors, already has aspirations to grow this thing even further, into workshops, into community outreach, into whatever we want really, and I will need to be ready for that.

I need to quit being such a pleb and look beyond myself.  It's about the community.  And we're gonna make it so.

I guess maybe I will consider coming back after all.

now class, what have we learned thus far?

I'm glad I took this job.

It's the lowest paying job I've ever worked.

I get no benefits, no health plan, no 401k, no vacation days, nothing.

but I've been doing it for 20 years.  since we got our first dell computer with windows 3.1 and what was this new information superhighway everyone is talking about?

I became a blogger that day, since we were encouraged to write essays in every english class, we were also encouraged to free write if we struggled.

I did a quite a bit of freewriting.

I'd finish my paper, then go back to freewriting.  with no assignment in mind.  just random thoughts. words. whatever came out of my head and etched itself on that pad of paper in front of me.  I wrote.

I told fragments of stories, but piece by piece, and though completely random to others, it was a giant jigsaw puzzle to me and each thought was another piece.  and by putting it all down, I'd give myself the piece of mind knowing that all the pieces were in that box.

I'd look over and see this brunette by the name of Angela, smaking her gum, whining that she didn't understand the point of freewriting, and wouldn't know what to write, so she'd write the same word over and over and over just to force herself to write something.

But not me.  It was a way to express how I really felt.  just me and my thoughts. it allowed me put stuff down and take it out of my head.  and then suddenly I wasn't stressing about whatever it was I was stressing about.  well, for the most part it was therapeutic, it didn't solve my problems or anything.

20 years later, I still seek it's therapy, sometimes as a tool to document random shit, thoughts, dreams.  Other times, its just my therapist.. the person who lets me ramble on about my day with no fear of judgement.

Well it is different now.  especially after the introduction of the internet.  and sharing.  and commenting.  and hating and trolling and rick rolling.  well, thats just funny.

there's connections that you would have never made without internet, the friendships and relationships, the moments you realize that you're making an influence in someone else's life who doesn't even live on the same continent as you.

And that population of people you can connect with, growing large enough that you actually have a group of people who you can have a real conversation with, granted at least 60% of them are younger than me, 40% of that younger than 25.

but they're thoughtful, insightful, well read people who feel very passionately about... well a lot of things.  especially sherlock and dr who and supernatural.

and learning about themselves and coming to understand all the feels that they express through their blog.

there's a lot of them.  and I'm just one, a part of this group, this community.  but a group large enough that we've revived a trend that died years ago before the internet would allow it to go viral, especially not with the rise of the kardashians, brangelina's kids and, well, other mainstream media shit.

no one but psych students and human resources departments were talking about this and while a lot of information was made available online through people sharing their wealth of knowledge with the rest of the world, it didn't catch on.

until now.

I read a post of someone's skepticism of this new trend going around.  but its all bs bc I get different results every time.

but someone randomly posting a request to anyone willing to do it, to type every character in supernatural.  you know, since it's a thing now.

there's a rather clever blogger who runs a crystal blog.  has nothing to do with my blog.  or most blogs for that matter.  it's all crystals.  but she used the mbti tag to give each crystal a different type.  no type description.  just crystals.

310 notes in the first hour.  probably one of the biggest on their blog. seeing as to how its less than a month old.  but now they have traffic.  bc I chose to acknowledge their feeble attempt at social media marketing.  but it works.

and that's kinda what you have to do to get shit recognized.  in any social media platform.  you need to take advantage of whats trending and point ppl to your blog using that.

readingontheroof is one of the sweetest most awesome ppl I've met on tumblr.  she dropped an ask in my box one day, and this was the first we've ever spoken, but thanking me for reblogging one of her posts.  it got her a handful of views and new followers, but enough that she was excited about it.

that made me excited too.  and I was happy to help.  I was so happy in fact that I said thank you back to her in my 10k announcement video.  for expressing her gratitude and being open about it.  it was the first anyone had done that. and I wasn't expecting it.

so she puts together a couple more posts on her blog relating back to mbti.  and I was the very first one to reblog it.  24 hours later, 25k notes.  the biggest post she's ever had.  that I've ever reblogged from 1 note.

the community is huge.  and that excites me.

at the same time, it scares me a bit.  because its huge.  and it's always running.  like a faucet where you can't shut the water off.  the water just keeps running.

people will continue to talk about their personality type bc they want nothing more than to understand themselves better, understand their relationship with their mom, dad, brother, sister, close friends, coworkers, everyone.

its important to them, to me that people understand me because you have no idea whats really going on underneath.  and mbti is one way to help lay it down.

I just happen to be one of them.

I guess I could always stop posting if I really wanted to stop.

but I don't.  even if I do get paid $3/day.

She Is

I wish I had someone to talk to right now.