Intimacy

My biggest challenge as a scoprio is being able to control the level of intimacy that I'm always seeking out.

I'm a very physical human being. I depend a lot on my emotions and how I feel about certain situations. I've come to notice that the relationships that I share with someone become something really quick, and I tend to open up with them when it does become physical.

Take M.T. for example. She was practically a rebound for me. I admit that though I think she's cute and a very sweet girl, I was never really attracted to her in that way. But things changed and feelings changed the moment the relationship (if that's what you want to call it) became physical. It didn't matter that I wasn't attracted to her, it was. .

Well let me think about this for a second.

I knew her ever since I started at the info center. She was in a troubled relationship. We often spent our breaks and lunches chit chattin about our issues, and kinda built a relationship there. She's even admitted that she felt that we always had this "sexual tension" between us. I hate to say that I never felt the way she did because my heart was either set on the other hotties in that info center.

But we kinda built this relationship before it even became physical.

I guess the reason its coming up is because I can't get over the fact that I've completely got my guard up. I can't seem to trust anyone. Not even the people I've befriended. That trust was shattered by old friends and old girlfriends that I guess I'm still living in that fear that someone else is gonna hurt me in the same way. I'm not ready for that. I have trouble being myself, even around the people that I've known and trusted for a while now.

But it all changes when I'm physical with someone. I'm not implying that I would have to share a romantic or sexual relationship with someone before I start opening up, but just the physical touch changes the way I feel about them.

Take salsa for example. I've found myself completely drawn to salsa because of the physical side of it, sharing a dance with someone. It chnages my physiology, my entire mindset and gives me the chance to open up. Just look at the blonde girl in the pink top. I still vaguely remember her at the beginning of the night, but as we shared several successful steps together, things changed and suddenly I was drawn to her.

A simple hug made my heart jump out of my chest. Its like being in high school again where a simple touch draws me into that person, opening me up.

Unless I'm currently in a relationship where I can share that regular physical interaction with someone, I'm constantly seeking it out. Its what opens me up. Its what put me and Princess at ease on our first date. The moment we walked down to the beach, and she held onto my hand, I felt a change in the way I looked at her. I was able to be myself.

I'm a very "hands on" type of guy, tied to a lot of emotion and passion.

But. . .

The whole reason why I've been hesitant in pursuing another relationship is because I have yet to find a way to control it.

I haven't figured out how to have a slow moving relationship. I've been with very few women where the relationship was an easy, slow development. Its why my relationships get so heated, and eventually die out.

I want more than just the physical intimacy. I want the emotional and spiritual connection. I want the sparks to fly without with moving too fast.

I want to feel that connect with someone, but I don't want to destroy the chance of a future by moving in too quickly. I can't help it sometimes. I never have any intention of getting into their pants, but its what comes natural to me. Do you really expect anything less from a scorpio?

What I want to know is, is there a possiblity of me ever finding that one person who knows how to open me up, share an amazing connection, and share a certain level of intimacy without the sexual stuff?

Its no wonder I don't go around sleeping with women and not calling them back. I've tried. My conscience got to me and stopped me from doing what I felt was wrong. It doesn't happen with me. Either I like you, or I don't. But if I do like you, I'm keeping you. And if things ever get physical between us, its because I really do like you, and I'm gonna give you every reason not to leave. I'm not trying to sound cocky, but just that when I do find someone that I like, I give her everything.

But wait, that's not what I want dammit. Ugh I have no idea how I'm going about this. I know what I want. . . I just don't know how to get there.

I guess I'm still fearful of screwing up another relationship to intimacy.

Sent via BlackBerry