drive by the cars

one of the most dangerous things I could be doing right now is texting while driving. especially through the streets of la. but it's the only thing keeping me awake. and I'm going on 18 hours without sleep.

luckily I have about 6 more hours before reaching SF and thus plenty of time to finish this blog entry.

I was so tempted to stay in my warm and comfortable bed next to my cuddle buddy, just to sneak in another solid nights rest (and to wake up to the sight of someone who can instantly put a smile on my face). I'm thinking now that it would have been a better idea to do so after having swerved into neighboring lanes at least twice since merging onto the I-5 due to drooping eyelids and freeways stretching endlessly before of me.

1:18 am. I wonder where the rest of these drivers are coming from. and where they're going.

I drove home to sd this past weekend with the intention of...

shit almost got run off the side of the road by a Tacoma who wasn't watching where they were driving.  fucker almost forced me to merge onto the wrong spilt.  some drivers need to learn to put their phone down and pay attention to the road. heh.

magic mtn checkpoint.

as I was saying, the point of me coming down was to pack up the last of my shit, to load up the car, and to move everything into my new home/storage closet. with no weddings to work this weekend, I figure I would give myself all the time I needed, to get some decent sleep, and have plenty of time to get back.

I'm leaving with having only one decent nights rest, with most of my stuff, and and estimated arrival time of around 7:00am. it's gonna feel like death at work tmrw, or later today I mean.

grapevine. please don't die, car. I  think I'm swerving more driving with my knee than falling asleep at the wheel.

I had another reason for coming into sd for the weekend, but am not quite willing to admit to it openly. maybe bc I know there's a possibility I could be lying to myself.

but the truth is that I still go to her for everything, maybe even more so now that we aren't romantic with each other anymore. the truth is that we seemed to have developed a better relationship as friends than we ever were as a couple.

and I love what we have now.

yay top of the mountain. neutral surfing. halfway point. cruise control.

of course I still need more time to heal and to completely get past it. a part of me still mourns over the death of the relationship and is still jealous watching her move on.

but the other part of me still believes in her and supports her in her journey to find the one who does makes her happy. that part of me finds comfort in helping her to understand the behavior a man falling in love, what it means, and believing in the connection that isn't always obvious to the ones who are being struck by cupids arrow.

maybe I just find comfort in being able to talk to her openly about anything, including my own fears of rejection and inadequacy. she seems to have a way of bringing a calm to my emotions to a much more manageable level, something she was never able to do when we were in a relationship with one another.

all I know is how I feel after I've talked to her: peaceful.

we still have our spats, we still bring up things of the past, were still in disagreement about certain things that trigger arguments.  but she still chooses to be understanding in the end and seems to find the patience that she claims she doesn't have.

she really does make it easy to love her.

I wish I could say that this friendship will last, as she's easily turned into a friend that I simply can't let go. but the history of guy/girl friendships never seem to last, especially when it comes to jealous or possessive sig others.

falling asleep again. I'm feeling loopy in my thoughts. 253 miles to go

I miss my tumblr. it was all about her tho, so it was deleted when I deleted everything else. it was so easy to find lists and reboot when it was about her. I struggled to blog things that were just about me, or based around a theme that wasn't about relationships.

I'm glad the roads are straight. I need to quit nodding off. so tempted to pull over and take a nap.

in listening to the Mikey show marathon for the 68th time. I've definitely over listened to it, but it's one of the best things to listen to when you're lonely, it actually feels like you have friends you're having our with. reality radio rocks. or I'm just really lonely.

pulled over and McDs is closed :( off to find the next one. 3:05am

I'm so glad the fed is closed tmrw. banks are closed and even tho were working, I'm hoping for an easy day. at least were out early.

this drive sucks. like driving to Vegas. after you pass LA, it's nothing but flat and boring. I'd still prefer the 101, if I had given myself time to drive it. 229 miles to go.

actually I mapped it. 235 miles to go. gas light just came on. I hope there's a gas station soon. yikes. now I'm awake and getting nervous if I'm gonna make it to the next gas station.  slowing to 55 and cranking the heat up.

OMG so lucky I made it. I was on my last half gallon of gas. I've never cut it this close before.  I didn't think to account for the weight of the boxes. I'm getting gas earlier next time and slowing to 70 the rest of the way.

I bought an apple pie. McDs here is closed too :( it would have been 2 for $1

I wanna text someone but don't want to wake her up.

..wait, she's just texted me :)

finally arrived. 6:43 and bloodshot eyes. time to go into work.