wine + emotion = this bullshit

I've had a couple glasses of wine.  things seemed to hatve warmed up.  so lets vent a bit, shall we?

I think about this girl.  a lot.  Why?  I don't know.  I love thinking about the way she smiles.  I love how her eyes smile.  It makes me comfortable.  I like the way she leans over her desk, bored out of her mind, desperately looking for some sort of distraction or entertainment to take her out of it.  The calming aura that encompasses her is contagious.  It makes people want to open up to her.  It makes me want to open up to her.  but that scares me a bit.  To the point of discomfort.  Because I know how easy it would be to lose myself in the thought of her.

I don't know how I ended up here.

Remember the old times?   they were so much simpler... when there wasn't anyone else to think about... when emotions were only manipulated by the motion picture playing in front of me... when the desire to better myself was motivated by none other than my own ego.

Times were simpler then.  they were also lonely.  but that's not exactly the case anymore.  they're now flooded with this wave of emotion that changes with the tide of day.  The very current that would pull you deep out to sea, to the point where you begin to feel helpless and alone is the same current that draws you close.. so close that when you wash ashore, you feel cleansed and free of your past burdens.

It's how I feel when I'm around her.

relieved.

renewed.

revived.

but lets be honest.  I wish I didn't.  im guarded.  past history dictates heartbreak is in my future.  especially for someone like her.  someone who brings light to even the darkest days.  she would break me in so many ways.  so its only natural that my hesitation continues to suffocate my ability to be myself around her.  i don't want to be myself around her.  but I am.  somehow.  and I begin not to care about everything else thats fighting against me.

it's weird how that happens.  when you've reached the point where you don't care.  you don't care about the bear trap that you're about to step into... because you're convinced that the reward will be far greater than the pain of nearly getting your leg snapped off by the jaws of life.  I don't care what heartbreak I'm setting myself up for.  I don't care that there is that possibility that she's with someone else.  I don't care.  i like her.

Funny thing is that she never really had my attention to begin with.  Most asian girls don't.  so I don't like ginseng flavored ice cream... whats the big deal?  but then I talked to her.  and when I did... something happened.  I changed my mind.  she looked different to me.  she was beautiful.  in the way she talked, the way she carried herself... something was there that I hadn't noticed before.  and I was mesmerized by it.  she had my attention.  and she held onto it.

I remember walking away, wondering when I would get to see her again.  Tomorrow night.   when I order dinner.  But I didn't want to wait.  I wanted to talk to her again.  now.  So I did.

Suddenly I loved ginseng ice cream.

It is a little crazy that someone I hardly know anything about, I'm falling for.  Someone who I have very little in common with, I'm falling for.  Someone who's heart belongs to someone else, I'm falling for.

Yes. turns out she is committed to some other dude.  Of course.  Because the heartbreak had to come sooner or later.  But it's funny how the heart works.  Because it still wants what it wants.  And what it wants is her.

But the bottom line is... its not the person you end up with, but how they make you feel.  There are plenty of people out there who you may be perfectly compatible with, your soulmate, your other half, the yin to your yang.  But then there are those other people.  The one's who spark something within you.

It's true that you can't change someone.  No matter how hard you try, change can't be forced.  But it can be inspired.  and those people, the ones who inspire change, those are the people you want to hold on to.

They inspire you to aim higher and shoot further.  They encourage you to chase your dreams, and remind you why you've chosen the path that you have.  They make you want to be a better person.

I like that she is that person, regardless of the situation.  She does something to me, that no girl has done to me in a long time. and regardless of who will try to stop me from chasing after her, whether it be my friends, or even myself, I will spend the rest of my life making her feel the way she makes me feel.

inspired.